Psalm 51

I had the opportunity to travel North to move my sister into her new apartment!  It was so great to spend a weekend away with my family and just relax.  It made me wish I could re-do my college years over.  Some say to live with no regrets, but I'm not sure that's entirely possible.  There's always the 'what if's' and 'if only's' that sometimes creep into the back of my mind.  I can say with certainty that if I had the opportunity to re-do college, I would.  Although I definitely do not regret the people I met, the life long friends I made, the memories created, or the job I had, I really do believe that I would want to do it over.  Why you may ask?  To put God first.  Throughout college, God was not first.  Most definitely not.  In fact I bet you He was way down the list.  Being in my sister's college town made me want to re-enroll and join all kinds of clubs and organizations.  As weird as it may sound, I look up to my little sister.  She is such a role model for me and I'm so proud of her for standing firm to what she believes, even when she had a sister that couldn't be that great of role model for awhile.  What's even better, is she never once looked down upon me for my actions.  She stuck with me through thick and thin.  The way it will always be between us.  Best of friends.  I love her so much, I don't think she knows how much I love her and appreciate her.  She is amazing.

This weekend was an emotional one.  With saying goodbye to my sister, reminiscing on my own college days, and remembering the past.  God has brought me so far.  Today I had something arise that brought back some not so great memories.  And you know what?  It didn't affect me the way it used to.  In fact, with the help of God...it was quite easy.  I'd like to share with you a prayer that a good friend of mine showed me when she was going through something similar. 

"Lord I don't want the words of man to take away the peace I have in you, Lord I ask that you would be my pure Joy that no human can take away that Joy and Love that you want to so abundantly lavish on me. Lord I pray that if there is any spirit of fear, disappointment or insecurity that in the name of Jesus it would be gone and I would be covered in the blood so I can more efficiently seek your face and your truth. Lord I ask that you would be the only one that fills my life. That you would be my sole provider and defender when I call to you Lord. Whether I am struggling or rejoicing, I will lay everything at the cross for the one who laid himself down for me so that I may be free from any chains!"

God has obviously pulled me away from some things for a reason, and I just need to continue to trust that He has a plan greater than I will ever know.

On Sunday we visited my sister's church, and the message really stuck with me.  It was based on Psalm 51 where David is crying out to God for his mistakes and past.  He says "Create in me a clean heart, oh God! And renew a right spirit within me!"  I needed to hear that.  The one and only living God, who created the whole world, can create a 'new clean heart'.  That's exactly what I needed.  A new clean heart.  The verse goes on by saying "Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation".  Again I'm talking about joy, but that pure joy that someone has when they accept Christ into their lives...that freedom and happiness knowing that they are God's child.  We can so easily lose that joy.  As Christians, we should be CONSTANTLY joyous for our salvation and the sacrifice God paid.  It is very easy to take it for granted.

Picture I snapped on my drive back...
Seems so freeing...

So stepping down from my soap box...that's what I learned this past weekend...and today.  God has a plan.  Even though I may not know what it is, and there are people out there who want to steal my joy...I'm not letting it happen.  God is in control and I surrender every thought and hurtful word to Him.  

Our relationship with God is like a garden...

Why is it that sometimes I suddenly feel distant from the Lord?  Oh duh, Kelli, it's because you're a human being and it's so easy to let your human, selfish desires take more importance in your life over God.  So while this can get me down and really make me feel like I'm a failure of a Christian, I then suddenly realize that I'm human.  Plain and Simple.  I fall down.  I mess up.  The good news is that I realize when I'm getting this way and make a choice to ask God to redirect me on to His path.  And he's always right there waiting to take me back.

Do you ever feel this way?  That somewhere among our busy lives, we just simply fall out of our routine with God?  Pretty soon we're not reading or praying everyday, it's every other day. And before you know it a whole week has gone by.  How pathetic is that?  That in our 24 hour day, we can't even find 5 minutes to give to God.

I kind of see our relationship with God like a plant or a garden.  It needs continuous work and help in order for it to flourish.  If we forget to water it (read our Bibles and pray) and weed it (get rid of the junk in our lives that prevent us from getting close to God), then the garden dries up and dies out.  Think about that for a second.  Have you been away from God for awhile, and realize that you just feel empty inside?  That there's something missing?

Lately I felt like my garden was drying up so I decided to make it a habit to water it daily and weed it.  God is gracious and His mercies are never ending...He knows your heart.  If you desire to be close to Him again, it doesn't take much to get there again...just ask.  Sometimes it doesn't come easy, so do whatever it takes to get close to God.  If that means setting an alarm on your phone for a certain time everyday, then by all means, do it!   For me, I try to do it before bed because I feel that I sleep better.  

That's where I'm at with my life right now and I just wanted to share it.  I hope that others who may be experiencing this can see that getting back into routine isn't hard.  I strongly recommend listening to some Hillsong music...Wow does that music ever just put me in the mood to worship God.  He is great!

I'm not ashamed to share it! So enjoy!

Life Update

Those that have read my blog have realized that my last 2 posts are very formal and contain a lot of input about life.  Today's blog, however, is going to be quite different I decided.  I'm just going to ramble and see what happens.  This past weekend i was able to go home and spend a lot of time with my friends and family.  And outside.  Literally all buy 17-20 hours was spend outside or in a lake.  It was a blast!  It's so fun to be able to go home to friends that you've known for years and just hang out.  Laugh at everything, be your silly self, play volleyball, whatever.  That's the best part about summer for me. 

The weekend continued to get better as Sunday came along.  Church was amazing this weekend!  I felt a tug on my heart when a song came up about being free in Christ and that your sins are forgiven, they have no power of condemnation over us anymore.  I had always known that, but never really grasped it and believed it for myself.  I've made many mistakes in the past.  And I've always sort of felt like what I'd done was unforgivable.  That I'd just crossed that like and couldn't get back.

SO this song really spoke to me and just brought me to tears.  What I experienced then is something I don't think I can put into words.  Even if I did, nearly all of the readers would think I'd fell off my rocker, not that I care when it comes to the joy of the Lord, but let me just say that it was something I'd never experienced before.  God WAS with me. I AM forgiven.  I AM His child and He DOES love me.

Sometimes it's so hard to realize that after knowing how we've lived in a past life.  Bad things happen in our pasts, hurt hearts, broken lives, damaged emotions, anything....it can all be taken away at the foot of the cross.  Only we, as humans, can prevent ourselves from receiving Christ's love.

...Ok so maybe that was a deep blog again.  Like I said, I just speak what's on my heart.

In other news, my best girlfriends and old room mates are here for a couple days.  Today is pool day and I'm pretty stoked.  Nothing like having your girlfriends around to have fun with :)

And in more recent news, I officially have a job.  In my field.  I'm pretty excited about this fact!  I'll be a family support worker and I'm ready to gain some good experience.  I do miss my home so much though.  MN is where my heart's at, and mark my words, I WILL be returning there soon.

Peace

Since I moved to a new city, I have been attending a small group out of the new church I am attending.  The focus and study of the small group has been on peacemaking and resolving conflict from a Biblical standpoint. It's from Peacemaking Ministries and you can get more information here: ----> http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958165/k.FE75/Personal_Peacemaking.htm

It has been an awesome journey and I've learned so much!  Did you know that we are called to make peace with others? No matter WHAT the case.  Matthew 5 gives great insight as to how we should respond to those who offend us.  I can say with honesty that this has been a sore subject for me as I tend to hold on to grudges.  I let the hurt and damage that's been done fester up without even thinking to try and make peace with that person.  And what's worse is, I know I've hurt and offended numerous people, and I haven't asked for forgiveness properly.

Yes. There is a right and wrong way to ask for forgiveness.  So often people just mildly acknowledge the hurt they've caused and expect the offended to accept it.  Take a moment to think of the last time you said you were sorry or asked for forgiveness.  Did you include the words 'If, but, or maybe'?  9 times out of 10, you did.  "I'm sorry IF I hurt you".  While this may sound like a legitimate apology, it's actually only further damaging. By including those 3 words in your apology, you are not fully accepting the hurt you've caused that person.  Instead, you are saying that you aren't sure that you hurt them which in retrospect makes the offended feel like you don't really understand the damage you have caused.  Crazy isn't it? 

The hardest part for me was the part found in Matthew 7 that talks about getting the own 'log' out of your eye before accusing others of their faults.  It's so easy to just point out others' faults and see what areas of their lives they need to work on, and not even realize that there may be bigger problems within your own life! Take a step back to reflect on this verse,

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's (or sister's) eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother (or sister) 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye.  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's (or sister's) eye."

If that isn't a slap in the face I don't know what is.  I can't say that I've completely removed my 'plank' but I'm working on it.  God's showing me things about  myself that perhaps have stood in the way of friendships or even hurt them.  Today in church, they asked us to make a promise, to try and resolve the conflict in our life.  And while some of the conflict I've experienced is truly unrepairable, there are a few that can be fixed.  

I challenge you to take a look at your own life and see if there is any unresolved conflict in your life that needs to be mended.  Whether that be with family members, friends, your spouse/significant other...whatever the case may be...It's never to late to make the first step and make peace with them.  Only after peace has been made can we begin to live out our God-designed potential.  

If you're afraid like I am to face our faults, don't forget that you're not doing it alone.  "Blessed are the peacemakers , for they will be called sons (or daughters) of God." Matthew 5:9.  God is with you and will guide you through it, but only if you do it in a godly and biblical way.  God is good.  All the time.

Simple Life

Life.  It's so busy, so hectic, so chaotic.  Seems like with summer especially, people are running here, running there.  Rushing through the work weeks only to have a busy weekend filled with traveling or plans.  God has blessed me with a chance to really enjoy nothing.  By nothing I mean just learning to be.  Be still.  It's truly amazing how much one can miss while being caught up in life's chaos.  It's weird for me because for the last 4 months or so, that's all my life has been: chaos.  Just one episode after another.  I didn't think it would ever end.  I just felt trapped.  Is this really all there was to life?  I was so caught up in my own little world that it took a bit of heartbreak, tears, separation, and change for God to finally reach me and tell me to just be.  Be still and know that He is God.  The verse found in James "Consider it pure joy my brothers, (or sisters) whenever you face trials of many kinds.  For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance", has really spoken to me over the last months.  Pure joy.  One has to wonder how you can find absolute pure joy through chaos and trials.  How can someone battling cancer find pure joy in that trial?  How can someone who's just lost a child find pure joy in that? 

As I've asked myself these questions, the answer I already knew continued to come to me.  "For I know the plans I have for you...." Jeremiah 29:11.  God knows.  No matter what you're going through.  In our human minds it may not seem possible for us to find joy in a trying situation, but God has a greater plan.  Sometimes it takes going through trials to see the wonders God has in store for us.  If you would have asked me 3 months ago that what I was going through would make me a better person...I wouldn't have believed you.  But here I am, living proof that God is faithful. 

For years I tried to live a double life.  You know, the one where you are who you are supposed to be around certain people, but then a completely different person around others.  Just following the empty living of the world.  Trying to fit in. Trying to make two completely different lifestyles mesh.  It doesn't work.  Eventually something has to give.  And believe you, me.  It gave.  Several times, but the first 3 times, I didn't listen. I just tried to do things on my own.  And that's just it.  We can't do it alone.  There's no way I would have been where I am without God holding my hand and walking with me every step of the way through it.

So here I am, 4 months later...experiencing chaos-free living.  For now.  God probably will throw a curve ball or 2 at me down the road because I know He has so much more to show me.  But for now, I'm marveling at how much He has done already.  God is good.  All the time.